Have you ever had a dream that you woke up from and thought, "What was that all about?!" That was the question I asked out loud to an empty bedroom this morning. Here's the dream in a nutshell: I'm in a public place, a restaurant to be exact, having lunch with a friend of mine, and I am totally naked!
It was a bizarre feeling being amongst a room full of people, one of which a good friend, completely and totally naked as the day I was born. Everyone was so exasperated with my fidgeting attempts to cover myself, and more than once my friend asked, "What is wrong with you?" Can't you see that I'm naked? What's wrong with you? Thinking you're vulnerable is the worst feeling in the world.
The question now is, what is my subconscious trying to tell me? Why am I feeling exposed? Could it perhaps be the fact that our church life group leaders have asked the Hubs and I to assist in leadership? Hmm, think we've got a winner here! They sent us an email Saturday and asked us to think about it, no pressure. Obviously it has been on my mind.
Let me get a few things out in the open about myself: Hi, I'm Kels and I'm an introvert. I feel so much better getting that off my chest. You see as a little girl, I was labeled as shy. I wouldn't necessarily say that I was or am, I mean once I get to know and am comfortable with you, I can be pretty extroverted, but that's the key. It takes time for me to warm up to folks. I'm the one that's always on the peripheral of any situation, hugging the walls, scouting and doing a little reconnaissance before joining the group.
It's the one-on-one chit-chat that I hate. You know, small talk. I don't do it very well and I always seem to run out of things to say. Once I get to conversing on the weather, that's all she wrote, I've got nothing after that. It's kinda funny really, all through high school and college, I was in theatre and speech. You wouldn't guess that of an introvert, but I would much rather stand in front of a hundred people to give a monologue, speech or even debate, than have a one-on-one conversation.
That's probably what makes the Hubs and I work as a couple. He's the extrovert in this relationship and the more prolific of the two of us, which I am more than fine with. He does most of the talking so I can stand back to take in everything, and when I'm comfortable I'll join. That's one of the many beautiful things about our marriage that clicks for us.
Back to my subconscious, I would be lying if I didn't say it feels a little daunting taking a leadership role in the church. My introverted personality aside, I don't mind taking a leadership role in any situation, but church? I'm scared that I don't know scripture well enough, I feel so unworthy, and I know this will sound incredibly silly, but this is a real fear for me: praying in public. I am so uncomfortable praying out loud in public.
I'm a weirdo I know, but I have always felt that praying is something private, between me and God. Throw in a room full of people, and now I have to speak with God out loud, I can't find the words. Thinking about it fills me with such an anxiety that I am this close (you can't see, but my fingers are less than an inch apart) to hyperventilating. Good gravy, I have trouble saying the blessing before dinner in front of the Hubs and the boys, do I sound like the type of person who should lead a prayer group?
I feel a lot like I did in my dream, naked, vulnerable and nobody can see. I know full well it's a fact of life that we all have to step out of our comfort zone sometimes, and that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I'll be thinking about this leadership role and praying, privately, about it, but I already have a feeling though that we'll be taking this on. I really can't see us backing down from this challenge, regardless of my fears (I know the Hubs has his own fears). It's just ...
When the time comes, God, please, please help me find the words.
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