Siri is One Crazy-Ass Bitch

I'll tell you what you can help me with!!

I had left my office early for a doctor appointment. Since I was on the highway and shouldn't be texting and driving, I thought I'd let Siri do it.

Me: Siri text the Husband
Siri: What would you like to say?
Me: I'm on my way to my doctor appointment.
Siri: You want to party with the Husband.
Me: No. I'm on my way to my doctor appointment.
Siri: You have a tractor for sale.
Me: What?! No! How did you get that?! I'm on my way to my doctor appointment.
Siri: You have an appointment at a hotel.
Me: NO!!! I AM ON MY WAY TO MY DOCTOR APPOINTMENT!!!!
Siri: The doctor is on a helicopter.
Me: AAARRRGHH!!! Oh, you stupid drunk texting ...

At this point was so disgusted with Siri that I decide to call the Husband.

Me: Hey Honey, it's me.
Husband: What?
Me: It's me, I'm on my way to my doctor appointment. I tried to get Siri to text you for me but apparently she's drunk off her ass.
Husband: Sheri?
Me: Huh?
Husband: Why would your sister be drinking and texting?
Me: (In my head ... AAAARGGHH!!!!!!) No, not Sheri, SIRI.
Husband: Oh. Well at least she didn't offer to look up vagina on the internet for you. (A whole other story that I'll circle back to in just a sec).
Me: (nonplussed) Riiiiight, there is that.

Okay vagina story ... several months ago I was on my way to lunch with a coworker-friend of mine, the Webguy. While heading to our destination we were talking and I was texting the Husband at the same time. I guess my fingers were faster than my iPhone and I hit the home button one too many times. Suddenly I've got Siri announcing that, "Okay, I'll look up vagina on the internet for you." What?!?!? I thought Webguy was going to put us in a ditch he was laughing so hard. I don't remember at all what we were talking about, but I know for a fact it was not vaginas nor the need to look them up on the internet.

Back to the present ... later that evening I was telling the Husband about my frustration with him and Siri not understanding the words that were coming out of my mouth.

Me: I was so not happy that you and Siri didn't understand what I was saying.
Husband: (laughing) It is pretty funny.
Me: I hate her, she never does what I ask her to do, the crazy-ass bitch. And I wasn't even asking for her to look up vagina for me on the internet.
Husband: Most of the world is on the internet looking at vaginas, why not you?
Me: AAARRGGHH!!!!